The desperate mother’s guide to making your baby sleep…

…Because putting them down ‘drowsy but awake’ doesn’t always work.

Again, sod off Gina Ford.

Throw the rule book out the window. When you have a baby that won’t sleep it’s all about surviving one day at a time. Here are some tried* and trusted** methods to make your cranky baby sleep…

  1. Feed them to sleep. ‘Making a rod for your own back’ say the rule books. ‘Getting five minutes of bloody peace’, say I.
  2. Give them a dummy. (This, of course, only works if they will take said dummy, rather than chewing it for a while, spitting it out and screaming even louder.)
  3. Rock them gently in their pram or moses basket.
  4. Rock them a little bit more firmly in their pram or moses basket.
  5. Rock them so fast that you’re pretty sure their brain is almost rattling around in their head.
  6. Blast a hair dryer near them or download an app that plays fake hair dryer noises out of your phone. (Put phone on flight mode before placing next to them so you don’t pickle their brain…)
  7. Strap them to you in a sling, put headphones in, play loud dance music down said headphones and re-enact your raving days until they drop off or you drop down.
  8. Go out for a walk. A blast of fresh air and a cobbled street should keep them quiet if not unconscious.
  9. Take them in the car. On a route with no traffic. And blast the fan (at a comfortable temperature) at full blast just to be sure.
  10. Failing all of the above just put pop them in the cot, put earplugs in, take a nap yourself and lead by example.

All the above should be done while repeating “this is just a phase, this is just a phase” over and over in your head to keep you sane. And while eating chocolate.

*By, erm, me
**By, erm, me

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